HELLO I AM SHERI 49. Or Sherrie. Or Shery.

If you comment elsewhere (FaceHole, e.g.) I probably won't see it. This is the place for comments. Yes I am anti-FaceHole. This is my website and I write here.

It’s Not Too Early To TOTALLY LOSE OUR SHIT AND PANIC!!!!!

Compare and contrast.

The current “tropical storm” (Erika) at the NOAA National Hurricane website is almost putting the forecasters to sleep.

It's a tropical storm. We are watching it.
It’s a tropical storm. We are watching it. We are the weather nerds.

Even their Cone of Death is the “lite” version:

cone of death lite

Yawn. Nothing but “S.” Not even an “H.”

But over at the WEATHER CHANNEL, you’ve got your breathless banner graphic and “wow that’s news” headline, your heavy use of RED, and a full-on panic boiling already. And get this, the storm “could change.” Plant the seeds of fear, use the weasel-wording, no one will notice. A storm! And it … could change??? God I’m glad I found you when I did, Weather Channel.

Dramatic graphic! Lots of RED! Like BLOOD! DEATH.
Dramatic graphic! Lots of RED! BLOODY! DEATH. DEAD. ALL OF YOU.

Note the hurricane symbol floating up there over the panhandle. It’s about half the size of the entire state of Florida. Not that this “means” anything, certainly not. A graphic artist did this. “I will place the hurricane symbol on the panhandle! Never mind that nothing anywhere in any of the forecasts so much as mentions the panhandle. It’s artistic license, er I mean reporting, er I mean artistic license.”

It’s totally an accident that the big red hurricane symbol half the size of the state of Florida is looking like it wants to chop right into New Orleans like a dado blade. Why, that would be emotional-subliminal manipulation.

And it is also totally an accident that the state of Florida looks like a cheap TOMBSTONE.

Now let’s look at the Weather Channel’s Cone of Death.

red CONE of death

See how the NOAA’s Cone of Death is boring white? Bleh. It’s nothing compared to the all red bloodbath of the Weather Channel’s Cone of Death.

And the NOAA’s Cone of Death shows the little “S” markings along the way, so you know the strength all along the dotted path. Whereas The Weather Channel’s Cone of Death says, “Nah, no markings for S or H, on the dots, this is one big bloody unnamed death rag swath of horror and obliteration across the entire state of Florida. With the green centipede of terror pushing from behind.”

So by Monday, we could all be dead.

Or we could all be dealing with …

downed frond

UPDATE!

Since I posted, the NOAA has a 5PM update with a new Cone of Death that looks even wimpier than the 2PM Cone of Death. Sorry Weather Channel. But things “COULD CHANGE.”

What a disappointment. Now there are Ds. No H. Sorry Weather Channel.
What a disappointment. Now there are Ds. No H. Sorry Weather Channel.

These Colors Don’t Run: Sternly-Worded Sign UPDATE

UPDATE! Sternly-Worded Sign! This baby is already scaring the crap out of all the riffraff in the area.

Over in Hideola Estates’ Command Central HQ, we monitor security and property threats live, real time, and we are seeing all of them neutralized INSTANTLY, by Sternly-Worded Sign.

Don’t believe me?

In this surveillance footage, we see two extremely dodgy-looking NON-residents skirting past Sternly-Worded Sign. Look at them, trying to remain undetected as they go about their criminal behavior and cause all our property values to plummet. True, Hideola Estates has a “house” with vines growing out of a chimney and there are cheap-ass spotlights blasting and boats and trailers parked on lawns with crudely constructed viewing areas nearby, but NONE of those things do any damage to our commmunity property values. Trespass like this, on the other hand, is a serious fucking problem. Sternly-Worded Sign to the rescue.

sign
Sternly-Worded Sign stands proud, like an eagle. Watching. Squinting. Look, some walking ladies.

The sign has already more than paid for itself, far as I’m concerned.

Brief Interlude of Whining

Sorry to be serious but I have to once in a while. You know what I’ve learned after 57 years on this planet? That you are truly on your own in all regards. You may think you have family or friends, and you sort of do, of course, but really? At the bottom line of it all? You’re on your own, whether it’s emotional, monetary, whatever. No one cares about you as much as, well, you.

Sorry to be a downer. I just hate being ignored by people who claim to like or love me, when I repeatedly repeatedly repeatedly ask for attention or help or support. I give all my shit away. Money, time, everything. I’m not too bright that way, I suppose. But there’s always been something in me that said that shit isn’t what “it” is about. So it’s what I do, and have done. And now I’m broke and alone. Well, except for You People. And I appreciate my “imaginary internet friends” more than ever now. You guys amaze me. Over a decade and still here. I can’t say that for my own family or real life friends. Interesting, eh?

OK, I’m gonna be back in a bit with the snark and WTF-ery. Just had to get this off my chest. Not that any of my “imaginary internet friends” needed to read it or hear it. But you do listen, whereas I can’t say the same for the “real” people. God that’s bizarre. The more I think about it.

And no I’m not on heroin or drunk. Fuckers.

I Took A Pain Pill Last Night That Explains Everything

You know I like to try to “entertain” YOU PEOPLE. But damn, some days everything just sucks and life is so hard, not just for me me me either, but I become aware, or more aware than usual, of the shit-storms that others deal with. That depresses me. I’m already depressed, so that’s sort of piling on isn’t it? Oh. I probably never officially mentioned the depression. It runs in the family blah blah blah.

Anyway, I was gonna try to whip up an amusing anecdote here today. But the thing is, I got sidetracked. Sucked down into the black hole of — oh crap, forgot where I was going with this, so let me just tell you about my tooth thing.

Yesterday I had a big old gold-crowned root-canal-ish tooth extracted. And then they put in a chunk of metal so they can hang a lifelike toothlike thing on there later. The whole mess doesn’t show and never will, but it’s one of those teeth that are “nice” to have, for like, chewing and shit. I might also need it to properly pronounce certain words. MOTHERFUCKER. Just testing. MOTHERFUCKER. All good still even without the new tooth-like tooth-thing in yet. Whew.

I’m saving the story of the tooth for THE BOOK, really, but lately my understanding is that authors are supposed to tease and excerpt while they are writing their books. To make you “readers” be all “Oooh I can’t wait to read this shit.”

So, all right, fuckers. An excerpt today. Just making it up right now. On the spot. That’s how I write. I read over shit, sure, but usually the first thing I spew before “Sheri49, The Daily Blend-In-With-Gen-Pop Version” wakes up and grabs the wheel is best. Over-editing is for novelists. I’m a WTF-ist.

This is Fake Excerpt #1. Gives “one” an idea as to what “one” might expect from me (whichever me has the real driver’s license) in a “book-like offering.” As you will see, it is all so very different from what I do here in my daily free off-the-cuff writing.

FAKE BOOK EXCERPT #1

“Oh dear heart, upon the fields of joy, I declare that today I wandered fair afar and found a most pleasant stem! A purple wildflower at the side of the road. I watched it dancing on the breeze a moment, then picked it up and held its delicate violet softness to my lips. I whispered ‘hello my pretty thing’ as the early afternoon sun shone brightly over the BODIES OF THE DEAD AND MUTILATED IN THE WAKE OF THE SLAUGHTER AND PESTILENCE THAT ONCE WAS THE RECEPTION AREA AT THIS FUCKING DENTAL APPOINTMENT FROM HELL WHERE SOME FRESH OUTTA SCHOOL PSYCHO BOY FROM INDIA CHATTED TO HIS BUDDY WHO WAS ALSO FRESH OUTTA SCHOOL IN INDIA AS THE BUDDY LOOMED OVER MY FACE WITH NO SURGICAL MASK ON THE ENTIRE TIME I MIGHT ADD FOR THE RECORD AND THE MAIN GUY ROOTED OUT MY TOOTH AND TORQUED IN A PIECE OF SCREW-METAL WITH A WRENCH WHILE FRIEND-DENTIST-DUDE MUTTERED APPROVING THINGS LIKE ‘UP, THEN DOWN, YES YES, CAUSE HER MORE PAIN AND LET’S USE HER OLD TOOTH FOR SCRIMSHAW PROJECTS AND SELL THEM ON EBAY’ AND I TRIED TO SAY HEY DUDE I FEEL LIKE YOU’RE NOT REALLY A DENTIST YOU KNOW? BUT I COULDN’T TALK WITH ALL THE SHIT IN MY MOUTH AND LET’S NOT FORGET JUSTIN THE TEENAGER WHO WAS ASSISTING OR SOMETHING WHICH IS USUALLY A CHICK’S JOB NOT TO BE ALL UN-PC ABOUT IT OR ANYTHING BUT JUSTIN SUCKED AT TRYING TO CALM ME DOWN BY SAYING HE LIKED MY RED TOENAILS AND HANDING ME A NASTY-ASS WET FOLDED PAPER TOWEL THAT LOOKED RUSTY. ‘HERE’ HE SAYS, ‘FOR YOUR FOREHEAD’ AND I’M ALL DUDE I’M GOING TO GRAB YOUR BALLSACK IN A DEATH GRIP FOR REAL IF YOU DON’T BACK THE FUCK OFF RIGHT NOW WITH THE RUSTY WET PAPER TOWEL. AND JUSTIN, JUST STANDING THERE ALL CLUMSY AND FLUSTERED AND THE MAIN INDIA DENTIST-GUY YELLS SUCTION SUCTION AT HIM EVERY TWO MINUTES, WHICH WAS JUSTIN’S JOB WHEN JUSTIN WASN’T WETTING RUSTY PAPER FOR MY FOREHEAD. AS YOU MIGHT IMAGINE I COULDN’T HELP BUT NOTICE NON-MASKED DENTIST-FRIEND-DUDE’S DARK BLACK UNSHAVEN PRICKLES OF BEARD AND HIS WIRY BLACK NOSE HAIRS SO CLOSE TO THE GROUND ZERO WHERE MY TOOTH HAD BEEN MOMENTS BEFORE AND YES THE WHOLE TIME I BANGED MY FIST ON THE CHAIR WHICH WE HAD AGREED WOULD BE THE SIGNAL FOR ‘STOP NOW MOTHERFUCKER AND SPECTATOR FROM BANGALORE AND JUSTIN TOO YOU LITTLE SHIT OR I AM GOING TO PUKE UP YOUR NOSE SO HELP ME GOD’ … and then I skipped to the next flower, and the next, and soon I found I had assembled a bountiful bouquet to take back to the house and set inside the crystal vase just in time for tea with Philomena and Daphne.”

That kind of thing.

8 Ways To Teach Yourself To Belch

What follows is me mocking all the serious, for-real, BULLSHIT you read everywhere on the internet nowadays, about how to “market” and “brand” yourself, how to sell books, how to get people to listen to your podcast, how to do whatever … successfully on the internet. I’m seeing a stupid pattern of stupid: blah blah blah “content” strategies and crap like that. Ya know? And it’s by people who think they “know” stuff and they are happy to explain it to you. For a fee. Good “work” if you can get it, I suppose. But I happen to think it’s all nothing but complete BULLSHIT. Scammy spammy stupid crap. So I mock it now. And forever. To wit:

— — —

As you know, my website is ALL about my “brand.” VERY important.

Yes. This is my personal site, but it’s also sort of my ancillary author “platform.” My “content” here is ALL about “helping” others and providing “value.”

So of course I’m gonna ESTABLISH MYSELF AS AN EXPERT, and sell my EXPERT KNOWLEDGE, in something really stupid and obvious that you should already know yourselves. I will be charging you ridiculous amounts for the tidbits of common sense that I’ll dole out in my sales-pitch-laden cheesy-ass “webinars.”

I just decided …

I AM AN EXPERT IN IDIOTS. I’M AN EXPERT IN IDENTIFYING IDIOTS, AND ASSHOLES, TOO. AND THEN MOCKING THEM. Not only that, but for the right money, I CAN AND WILL TEACH YOU HOW TO DO THIS!

SIGN UP EARLY for my COURSES and WEBINARS and PODCASTS.

And I will share my “EXPERTISE” on mocking idiots and assholes. And you will pay me for the incredible “VALUE” I provide, for my excellent “CONTENT.”

Hello this is my platform. How ya likin’ it so far?

I also need to warn you: SEATS for my WEBINARS and my online courses fill up extremely FAST. It’s good to create a “false sense of scarcity” to “succeed” with your “platform” and your “content.” To get people to “sign up.” Remember, I’m an EXPERT. I have decided.

You: “Sheri49, I readily agree that you are an expert on idiots and assholes. And that you are one yourself, so who better to know the ins, outs, and what-have-yous and TEACH the rest of us? But how do you find idiots to mock? I don’t see as many out there in a typical day as you seem to. What am I missing?”

Excellent question, my little n00b-chunks.

This is your first FREE TIP! To tempt you into signing up for my webinars, courses, and stuff. Any expert writer who regularly writes about idiots and assholes, as I do, will tell you: you MUST have an IDEAS folder.

My own idea folder is called IDIOTS.

I’ve noticed a pattern, too. My files and photo names are all starting to look sort of the same. They’re all things like “fucking_moron.jpg,” “1idiot_asshole_1.png.” Sometimes there is a “snippet” I save, “idiot_jerk.docx.” Whatever. Save it all in your “ideas” folder.

There’s no real order to any of it other than I need to have a quick place “in the cloud” for me to dump anything IDIOT-related.

I’ve had to buy more “cloud storage” for all my idiots. One huge DropBox account and a big Google Drive account and an iCloud account and I have my own server full of idiot stuff at home in my OWN “cloud.”

As a bonus, right now I’ll show you a random idiot. I snapped this a while back, using my iPhone. I threw the pic into my IDIOTS folder and went about my business. And now, it has become a “useful” idiot in that it is “content” of “value” on my “platform.”

idiot_parking

What goes through the “mind” as an idiot parks like this in a busy parking lot? Or even an empty parking lot?

A sense of “entitlement,” perhaps? A sense that one is the center of all galaxies, all life, known and unknown? Or, as my file-naming system suggests, is it just another rank-and-file idiot? Have we lost count? We have. Idiots outnumber non-idiots now and scientists tell us this trend is on the increase. It’s alarming. I’m alarmed. I plan to get into my spiderhole and stay there until the plague of idiocy has passed. When I think it’s safe to come back topside, I’ll send a raven.

Sheri49 hides from idiots, who were already starting to appear in the late 50s.
Sheri49 hides from idiots, who were already starting to appear in the late 50s.

Note that the title of the post is “clickbait.” This is another expert skill I will “teach” you how to use in my webinars, books, and courses.