FUCKY FUCKAROONS. For the life of me, can’t remember where I left off in the HOA debacle. Someone, please remind me? Is anyone reading who remembers what I wrote about? And why? I don’t think it’s asking too much to expect You People to keep track of my writings and themes despite a ten year hiatus.
Like, did I already tell you about being, uh, “dismissed” from an “HOA” “meeting”? How I used my people skills to ease the tension in the room? Did I tell you about the shithole next door? How the shithole “owner” called the police? Did I post pics of the shithole? Or any of the other neighborhood hideolas? I know I posted the “security” lights again and the internet yawned, but did I tell you about the “golf cart” and show the pics of that, with the ridiculous ornamentation that will make you LOL til no more LOLs can come out of your LOL-holes, ever? Did I show you the pic from the time they ran into their own extremely well-constructed and elegant-looking wall?
Did I tell you about the “letters” I received from the “HOA”? Perhaps I can reproduce them here in email form. A festive back and forth. Did I show you the email signature of the one I call “pompous illiterate asshole”? Did I tell you how I was told, by the pompous illiterate asshole, that I “remind him of his wife” when we discussed “HOA” concepts at a “meeting”?
As you can see, I have so many of these pretty stories about boats and lakes and noodle salad, all piled up inside me, that I just don’t know where to START. I don’t know who’s even interested. Are you? I don’t want to repeat myself. I know your “time” is valuable. I feel I should proceed in an orderly fashion. But maybe I should just randomly post things. No connections, no thematic consistency. Or, I could make a helpful chart or glossary or something, too. So that people who wander in here searching for “pecan pie recipes from pompous illiterate assholes” could instantly realize, “Oh no, this is all just pictures of dog poops decorated with Christmas ornaments” and go about their business elsewhere.
Do you want pics of my dog? She is old and sweet. Blind. Deaf. It’s sad, but she’s still OK.
So, what about the twelve poops of Christmas? We could look at those again even though it’s March. Who says we can’t? Whomever says we can’t is undoubtedly the person who will leave me a bad review and not buy my “e-books” that are not written yet. Let’s curse that person now to save time. Fuck you anyone who doesn’t want to see dog poops with Christmas decorations around them in March.
OH. I have this PLAN. Big plan. I have made myself a pen name because most of you are fine but there are those occasional not-fine people on the internet. So I plan to write “amusing” books using the fake nose-and-glasses identity, which is oddly similar to my real identity, and then self-publish e-books on Amazon and all over the internetzes. Know what happens then? Yes. YOU will go forth and not only buy these books, but you will also tell everyone you know to buy them as well. Then I will appear on Oprah. I’m not sure she is still on TV, but, whatever. Maybe I will go straight to Jimmy Kimmel.
After I’m filthy rich from selling my “e-books,” that you will all buy and review very very favorably, I will “thank” you all with special gifts like a TND key chain and perhaps a TND trucker hat. I haven’t gotten that far in my “business plan” yet. You have to help me do this. It’s my lifelong dream. Remember how many times I helped YOU with your lifelong dreams? Do you??