Don’t Even Know Where To Begin It’s A Complete Catastrophe

There is a clamor across the land. People want to know about the “security lights.” And I’m going to tell you all about it. You’ll be riveted. “What news of the nabes, Butt and Chiffon? Are they around? Are the lights still blasting?” Oh the emails, they pour in daily.

Yes to all. If you’re new to this, there are two automatic dusk-to-dawn $37 360-degree-blast-radius cheap-ass ugly-ass outdoor lights next door to us. They’ve been blasting into our yard and windows for about fifteen years. Here is the exact lighting. Note the sleek lines, the exquisite workmanship. This is also the exact same light that’s over the dumpster in the back parking area of our local Taco Bell. Say what you will about Taco Bell but they know dumpster security.

Equally at home over a dumpster or illuminating the gardens at Balmoral Castle, these elegant fixtures are part of any well thought out security plan.
Equally at home over a dumpster or illuminating the gardens at Balmoral Castle, these elegant fixtures are part of any well thought out security plan.

Hard to believe it’s been fifteen years since I had “the conversation” down by the mailbox.

The conversation that broke my mind.

Me: Hey Chiffon. Nice, uh, nightie. Say, any chance you could maybe put like, I dunno, a shield on those two big yard lights? Or turn them down or something? Each one is 750 watts and that’s a lotta really bright light blasting OUR house and yard all night.

Chiffon: They’re security lights.

Me: Roger that. But they’re blasting OUR yard, and blasting into OUR bedroom and dining room and kitchen and living room windows. Burning a swath of black into our once-green lawn.

And she kept repeating it, no matter what I said. Like Rain Man (“Wapner at 4″).

Me: I know. Security. Got it. But they’re blasting US.

Chiffon: They’re security lights.

Me: I hear ya. Thing is, they’re blasting over into OUR bedroom windows. Through the black-out blinds we had installed to try to keep out your lights. You know?

Chiffon: They’re security lights.

Me: I once disemboweled a weasel and ate the intestines while watching a sunset.

Chiffon: They’re security lights.

They don’t just have the two 750-watt dusk-to-dawn lights. They also have other types of lights, all bright and all aimed outward. Because bright lights aimed into your own windows would be, you know, annoying. There are lights mounted on every corner of the house, and along the side walls, everywhere. The rest of the neighborhood is dark. We’re not in a big city or near a “downtown” area.

Here’s an actual picture of another of their lights, off the corner of their garage. It’s like, half an acre away. I took the picture with a piece of black linen cloth folded in half and held over the lens. Bright, huh? Well, imagine this without the black cloth, and much closer. That’s how the “security lights” are.

This is not one of the security lights. This is the regular light on the garage. It's nothing compared to the two security lights.
This is not one of the security lights. This is the regular light on the garage. It’s nothing compared to the two security lights.

BTW, ever read this? You should. He tells this same basic story way better than I ever will. I laugh out loud at the drawing and the helpful “legend” in it every damned time. And I relate, Mr. David Thorne. Oh yes I do. But I’m not bold or scofflaw enough to remove the “security” lights or shoot them out. Instead, because I’m not a “jackass,” I paid to have a partial shield (wooden trellis) built. It sort of blocks maybe 20 feet of the main, closest blast of a 400 foot long swath of blast along our property line. The worst part of ONE “security” light (the one closest to our house). I’ll have to draw a map of this and post it. But not right now.

There are many, many “hideolas in the hood.” All will be examined in turn here. You think you’ve heard stories about ugly things in neighborhoods, about HOA “problems.” YOU KNOW NOTHING.

I’m Back

Dudes. Oh the years, they have passed. And the blogs. They have come and gone. Mostly gone. And Two Nervous Dogs went. And there was sadness on the faces of the few.

Now, like the phoenix rising from the ashes of WTF, TND is on the air. Bringing you the finest in “huh? well that’s 5 minutes of my life I’ll never get back again” writing. As you would expect.

Like what I’ve done with the place so far? It’s sort of plain, isn’t it? Very “readable.” You can “read” my words of great import. Carry them with you throughout your day. Refer to them often. And, for fuck’s sake, let’s all “utilize” lots of inappropriate quotation marks and “utilize” words like “utilize” instead of the perfectly acceptable “use.” Because we want to “sound” intelligent.

First up, let’s examine the meters. Here we have one that goes to eleven. Is it accurately reflecting the enthusiasm I feel out there from the internet now that TND is back?

Why not just have the original TND from 2003 or whatever be the ONLY stupid blog? Unplugged and dead and with no readers? (Pause.) These go to eleven.
Why not just have the original TND from 2003 or whatever be the ONLY stupid blog? Unplugged and dead and with no readers? (Pause.) These go to eleven.
The Care-O-Meter "appears" to be telling a very different story with regard to the internet's excitement at the return of TND.
The Care-O-Meter “appears” to be telling a very different story with regard to the internet’s excitement at the return of TND.