I am pleased to announce the start of at least one “Watch”-type series here on the blog.
You’ll be elated to learn that I may start several “watches,” all of which will be done in the spirit of the inimitable “Nog Watch,” RIP, which Rocket Jones did all those years ago. If you missed it, Ted did a series of blog posts, with photos, about a carton of holiday egg nog in the fridge at his workplace. His commentary was pricelessly funny. Nog Watch made me laugh so hard I had tears running. To this day when I think of it I smile, or grimace-smile, same thing right?
Without further ado then, I give you … Chimney Watch.
I know. Lame. But I have to start somewhere and just around the ‘hood there must be at least 50 “watch” possibilities. I’m not going to be watching only things that deteriorate and disgust and that people are afraid of (as in the original Nog Watch). I will pay homage to the original Nog Watch, but my special “twist” is that I’m watching anything that I think is already disgusting and stupid, or both. And if the thing changes at all, we will watch it together. Think “time lapse photography,” but without the movement and any perceptible changes.
Ugly Round Bubble RV Watch.
Cheap Commercial Dusk-To-Dawn Spotlights With Ugly Orange House Watch.
“WTF Is THAT?” Watch.
Hideous White Boat On The Lawn With Two Plastic Red Lawn Chairs Next To It 24/7 Watch. (This is almost like a watch within a watch, because we will be watching a big boat on a lawn that has chairs for the boat’s owners next to it, where they sit and watch their boat, see?)
Why The Fuck Do You Have A Big Gold Ceramic Fish Bolted To Your Home’s Exterior Watch.
What’s Up With The Grey-Concrete-Manatee-Mailboxes Watch.
I Didn’t Know You Could Glue A Tennis Racket To A MailBox Watch.
Crest 3-D White Effects Three-Tiered Fluted-Edge Yard-Fountain Lit Up At Night Watch.
Dude Did You Know Your Christmas Lights Are Still On Watch.
Hey Neighbor There Are Garish Lights Blasting Outward From Under the Eaves of Your House Watch.
You get the idea. All will be under the mothership category “The Watches” here, so you’ll be able to quickly find only those watches you’re obsessed with following, without having to wade through all of the watches. There will soon be some kind of menu or rudimentary lathe to organize all this.
Here we go, though, with the inaugural episode of Chimney Watch.
This is in fact the chimney from the house next door. Note that these vines have not been “planted” “intentionally” like you see on some historic landmark homes. These vines are coming from half an acre away. They run through what used to be a swimming pool. Then over a construction dumpster (thoughtfully lit up at night). And THEN up the side of the home, winding their way to the chimney where they then snake up the brick and over the top edge. From there, they move back downward INTO THE CHIMNEY. Into the “house.” I imagine that they are by now through the flue and tendrils are making their way to whatever area masquerades as a “family room” or perhaps they are strangling a child who wandered in. The muffled screams. Who can hear over the glare of the spotlights on the other side of us?
We get to enjoy the chimney view from many rooms in our house, including from our front steps and front driveway. So when people come over, they get out of their cars and the first thing they do —I mean even before “Hi!” or any normal social pleasantries you would expect from well-behaved guests — is blurt:
WHAT THE HELL IS UP WITH THAT SHITHOLE NEXT DOOR?
Then they ask lots of questions. Even delivery people ask us the same questions. Anyone who comes to our house asks. I’m going to need to make a “program” (three-fold-style) and have a bunch of them printed and keep a clear plastic holder full of them at the front door. “Take One.” It will save me a lot of explaining. Maybe a FAQ section.